Skinnydipping, easy way out.
Swimming in my socks on the right just
off of Narrow Lane I jest
that I’m going to push you in
We’re all out of suits
But you know skinny-dipping
has always been my first pursuit
All over you now I got you in
Was nice freckling in the sun before I Ruined us
I know the out wasn’t easy
Glad you took it though, I would’ve if I could
Have, I’d rather you go than i come
You know you’ve always come first
____________________________________________________________
In your back seat circa The Riviera, Pali.
You want to change but i tell you it’s
nothing noxious and nothing new
Close my eyes and we’re playing tetris
You roll your eyes and take your dress off
Changing beneath the morning light
I feel like my body for the
first time so thrown off
by you
Now your face against the glass
across Ocean Ave.
We’re swimming through the trees
on Amalfi Street so intermittent
your sensitivity in how you see me
I want to change but it’s nothing new
I should have jumped when you told me to
But even if I do to you
i may perennially be
indebted to the color blue
(but I hope not to You)
____________________________________________________________
Because of all the water
I (re?) premiered Visible Sadness for F this month.
It happened when ironically I found out I was
malignancyfree and a Nerve(e/ous) wreck
He hadn’t seen It since I was probably 11
years old and yet
remembered the errorless response was to hug me
I stood there (R/BU said I was still a novice hugger at the time) and stared at the blue-curled-up-man
while my diaphragm took too long to acclimate to
to the nascent love it might've received.
The hug may have been performative sympathy but either way
he would argue he felt it in its rawest most true form
(he would also say it was“empathy,” hence the performative note…)
M was next but i could no longer see my blue-curled-up man
because of all the water
____________________________________________________________
Doubling down on Nantucket.
did i just pass u in nolita or doppelgänger
did i just pass u in nolita or hot doppelgänger
“Doppelgänger”
Stop being so witty
ur my favorite jester
Pretty dumb and nice
xmas wishlist
why dumb
i thought you were alluding that dumb girls would like me more
u used to call me hot and dumb
therefore doppelganger would be dumb and hot, 2
also dumb girls are bad at games and you seem to love those
tell me something real - no jest
2 truths and a lie. Or three truths. Just tell me which
fine i’ll bite:
u texted me bc you’re bored
if you told me something real about you, i’d tell you everything real ab me
I texted u when i was bored, not because i was bored
There’s a difference. It had been many weeks of thinking about it.
Oh yeah? Many weeks?
[C sent link to ‘The Entertainer (Grand Piano Version)’]
i played this song at my second piano recital
under the direction of verona gomez, piano czar
Just two pieces of a Really Full picture
[1 – Dress in the water]
Had that feeling in my chest the one
they always talk about
The one that begins but never finds find its way out
Watched you swimming in your dress
Caught it covering your mouth
And sticking to your skin as you got out
If it’s all for nothing
I Might as well be moving on (or waiting for the 10th year)
I told you Anyone But You is yours alone (& always will be)
[2 – Highschool dreams on 57th St.]
Pushed you up against the fridge
on my toes
Sitting on the couch w/ tears filling all of you
If it’s all for nothing, might as well be moving on
But the feeling doesn’t have an out always there
So i’ll stay here
and wait it out.
____________________________________________________________
Dude-lite – written retrospectively.
To be born concave going one way
Towards everything with such purpose
but constant premonition
Until I’m watching you in ur [freecity] sweats
Now beneath the evening light
And the premonition’s place is taken
By something else
Later you say you’re beautiful but boylike
… like “dude-lite.”
Okay here’s the thing, i like girls-i like girls who are
Really pretty, like really pretty girls
Buuuut like they’re what i’m trying to say is they’re
reallyprettygirls whoarealsosortamasculine a
and they are likeWhat did you say? They’re bros?
No not bros they’re dudes
Yeah yeah they’re dudes but like, i’m not, you know
They’re like dude-lite…
I got to hear it first and IRL, and i’ll take that
(i’ll take anything).
____________________________________________________________
September.
Cried on Caitlin’s medical equipment but the water didn’t interfere with
her fucking radiofrequency into my third, fourth, and firth vertebrae (thank god.)
but it did with Her
then came her incessant attempts for connection behind a facade of ‘worry for her patient whose body is on fire’ bordering on a one sided tryst, undoubtedly activated by the tears (if you ask me)
vulnerability and power do crazy things when (you are newly an ex and I guess even more so if) all you do everyday is treat old people for pain
Especially when a not-old person like me walks into your office & cries
while you burn her nerves to alleviate the fiery pain permeating almost everything
[kind of ironic, imo.]
She got uncomfortably close with me after, that and now i think i’ll need someone New (I have a good 3-5 years to sort that out, depending on how eager my injured axons are)
From a google search on How a Nerve Regenerates:
“The proximal stump undergoes die back degeneration up to the first node of Ranvier and then each injured axon elaborates multiple daughter axons.”
D tells me i’m a player & that it’s my luck that a physiologist surgeon would flirt with me but sometimes
i just want to be healthy and undesirable, i tell him. He laughs/ maybe i feel better/
and asks if he can still officiate my wedding even though it won’t be w P i say i’ll consider it.
K called us Sleepy Sweet Peas and I mistakenly kissed Not You
over 3 Hazy IPAs and a nostalgic halloween movie that every orange-wine-loving-gay-girl-i-date-&-their-mother apparently, seems to love but i had never seen
Not You (j.) effusively annotated my Bluets copy, and now I am the worst 4 kissing her in my uncontrollably building going-under-the-knife Chaos
____________________________________________________________
December.
More of queen baby. Nantucket faked seeing my doppelgänger and won’t stop fucking jesting.
Freud would have a field day w my current -NON escapade
AbaNONalaNONAAEDASLA too many associations 2 keep track of and none 2 do with me
Anymore at least